The Letter

To Him:

The man I can't seem to stop thinking of. The man who invades my mind with images of your face, the perfect pitch of your voice, and the piano playing in the midst of the memory. Everyday, seems to grow harder as the days go by. My heart weakens by the very thought of not being strong enough. I think of those days where smiles illuminated its own sunlight for miles. Believing in your words like waken dreams I didn't know were mine.  I didn't know I wanted.

If I close my eyes long enough. I can begin to remember your giggle surfacing in that moment. Your voice so beautiful. Your body fresh to the touch, the hint of safety glistening off your skin--a safety I very much wanted to be wrapped in. I can't begin to think where we went wrong. Where I went wrong... Maybe if I had paid more attention. Maybe if I had understood you better. Maybe if I had steer clear from the arguments. Maybe then I'd be happy with you right now. Celebrating 1 year and 5 months instead of mourning the near 10 month separation.

I have so many questions. And I can't bring myself to ask them. Wanting you back because my heart misses my best friend. A best friend. I told all my secrets to. A best friend. I held close for hours as though time never existed. A best friend. I could be myself with--my true self. A best friend. I wasn't afraid to sing in front of even though, I knew I had a terrible voice. A best friend. I've known for over a decade, living on opposite sides of the neighborhood, going to the park, and going on adventures with.

What's the use of writing all of this down? If none of it comes true? How can you explain the feelings I have even after so many months of trying to bury you away? Why wasn't I enough for you? Why wasn't I good enough? 

How is this making me feel better? New year, new me right? That's what I should be doing... Leaving you in the past as I claw myself into the present. That's what I'm supposed to do right? What do I do with a heart that won't stop yearning? And a mind that won't stop thinking? How can I let this go? How can I let you go? Why can't I?

I gave back your jacket, the bracelet, the hair ties and the other half of the promise ring because I thought that's what I wanted. Because I knew I couldn't have you sitting in my closet, waiting... But, even without those possessions; I haven't let you go. So, tell me. What am I supposed to do? With the pictures of us buried in the bottom left drawer of my desk? With the memories that don't seem to leave me alone? How could you move on without me?

Was I that forgettable? 

I don't know why I'm writing this. It's useless because sometimes I think that maybe you'll read this and then we'll talk this out. However, you're a stubborn man. A stubborn man who I completely fell for. My love for you resurfaced like ocean water to the shore, in waves but then all at once. Believing that this... would be forever.

From,
Her

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