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One Morning

It's weird I woke up
One morning with 
A heavy chest,
And soaked pillows.

Wrapped up in your
Green jacket, the one
You gave me when
We went ice skating.

Knowing that the sun
Shined brightly through
The windows but that my
Eyes were stained with sadness.

Waking up to a morning
With the lack of good
Morning texts that said, 
"Good morning Darling"

A phrase that always lit
Up my face brighter than
The sun itself. But my heavy heart
Fell into the acid of my stomach.

I woke up one morning
Knowing that you weren't
Mine to hold, to love, and
To keep safe.

My arms were empty
And the memories leaked
Out only the bad ones.
I willed for the good ones

To flood my mind.
To make me forget.
To understand what happened.
Begging to hear those three words again.

They were silent.
You fell silent 
And I blamed myself for it.
Blamed myself for the tears

In your eyes, the
Poison spilling from your tongue,
The storm inside your mind,
And the words I didn't say.

I woke up one morning.
With heavy eyelids that were
Sealed shut w…
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The Letter: Shaken

To Him:

What you did was wrong... 
Using me for your own selfish reasons when you clearly weren't ready. You used me as a transition and that's not cool. To have been given this burden you bestowed on me is cruel unusual punishment. I loved you with every fiber of my being, feeling internally grateful because I had you.

What you did was wrong...
Building me up just to tear me down. I defended you when my voice was shaken by the many times you cracked my heart for putting the blame on me. You could've done me the favor and dipped out early when you first realized that you were going to break my heart. Instead of holding out for 'hope' that it was gonna get better.

What you did was wrong...
I didn't understand the way your head is wired, but I knew you had a million and one excuses to shove me aside. You don't want easy, you want difficult. You want to help those that make you feel 'needed' other than 'wanted'. Because damn, I loved you way too much…

If You Really Loved Me

We're going on a year.
A year of sadness,
Of disappointment,
Of no communication.

And you're living 
Your best life, with her.
I'm sitting here in my room,
Lost and confused.

Still clinging to the idea
Of what we could've been.
Saw your mom today.
I had to fight the urge

To ask about you.
To see how you're doing.
When all you do is
Not care about me.

Was I that forgettable?
Why am I still here?
Waiting? Like I have 
No where to go.

But wait for you 
To open your eyes.
That I could've done
Better if you hadn't given up.

They say if they really 
Loved you, they'd 
Come back and see
How you're doing.

Well you haven't 
Done that, so I guess
You never loved me.
You drained your

Affection for me like
Fluid down the sewer.
Out of existence,
And out of thought.

I gave my heart to 
Someone who never
Had the intention of
Loving me forever.

Those promises became 
Invalid once you forced
Me out of your life.
Choosing someone else

Over me. Like I meant nothing
And maybe I did.
Maybe I did, but that does…

I'm Scared

I'm scared that I won't
Feel the same way again
With a different love.
A different set of eyes.

The way you made me feel
Was unexplainable,
But very much real.
I can imagine you right now.

In this moment,
Writing this and
Praying that you'd 
See me this time.

I'm scared that I won't 
Feel fireworks the same way.
Skyrocketing to the sky
By your very kiss.

The way you made me feel
Was unconditional,
And authentic. I can 
Feel your hands touch my thigh.

In this moment,
Staring into your brown eyes.
As I lay beside you on 
Your worn out couch.

Remembering the feeling
I had when you nestled your
Face in the crook of my neck.
Laying behind me tightening your grasp.

I'm scared that I won't 
Feel the goosebumps stencil
Onto my skin every time you
Lightly grazed it with your fingertips.

The way you made me feel
Was easy and fast.
I can hear your voice in my 
Ears and the piano playing a similar tune.

Like it was yesterday.
But, it hasn't been yesterday
For months. Time goes by
But, my feelings never …

Explaining You

Explaining you
To my friends,
My Family,
Is very hard to do.

I try to shine light 
On the person you are.
But, the darkness clouds
Over you.

Your actions buried you.

Explaining you to myself 
Is devastating and 
Unreal. Wanting to fix it.
Yet knowing I can't.

To fix the things 
That happened.
Trying to understand
Your reasons, but I couldn't.

I watched you disappear.

Explaining you
Is overwhelming.
Knowing that I want you,
Knowing that I care for you.

I can't show it,
Because you'd walk away you always do.
Failing you always do.

Your eyes weren't the same eyes.

Explaining you
To strangers 
Is hard because I try 
To give you the benefit of the doubt.

Knowing that my eyes
Show the hurt that hasn't
Disappeared, that hasn't
Wavered. Just broken.

Then you silenced your voice.

Explaining you
Came in waves.
Wrapping my head
Around the things I didn't do.

If I had just done things
Differently... Would we
Be together? Would we be
Spending every Valentine,

Birthday, Holidays,
And anni…

Consumption of You

The thoughts inside my head
Cloud my judgment,
Overrules my heart,
And drowns me with memories.

I didn't realize that
I got used to love
That put me second.
Instead of being first.

That the look in your 
Eyes were fake.
That the touch you
Stenciled on my skin wasn't true.

I think about it.
And I feel my heart
Get swallowed up whole.
Wondering how I didn't see it.

That your heart was 
Never mine to begin with.
That your thoughts were
Consumed by her name,

Her face, her touch,
And her inability
To put you first.
When that's all I did.

It's been 10 months
And for some reason
My heart doesn't fail to
Remind me how special you are.

Painting our future inside my head.
Serenading your promise
To love me forever.
Holding me tight in your arms of safety.

I think about you. Then
My heart craves for the same love.
The same genuine love
I gave you.

You're self-sabotaging yourself
Because you think you don't
Deserve any better than 
What you had.

But you do and that's what
Scares me, that you don't

Your Depth

I think about those days.
Full of bliss and wonder.
Where the sun never 
Failed to shine.

Where my sleep was
Awakened by your sweet words.
Where my heart was 
Glowing with happiness.

I think about those days.
Full of love and beauty.
Where my skin never 
Failed to show you my love.

Goosebumps stenciled onto 
My warm skin as you grazed
Your fingertips across my back.
Skyrocketing my heart to the sky.

I think about those days.
Before it all happened.
Before your touch turned cold.
Before you silenced your I love you's.

I think about those days 
Where every moment 
With you froze.
Where we laughed close together.

I think about you.
What we could've been.
What we could've lived.
What we could've shared.

If you hadn't broken my heart.
If you hadn't left me.
If you hadn't given up.
If you hadn't treated me like you did.

I think about you.
Searching for answers
As the time ticks away
And you still haven't returned.

I think about those days.
Where my heart fluttered
With happiness.
And you were …