Writing from the Heart

To Him,  So, what does this mean? What does my heart want? What do I even want? What makes me the person I am today? What makes me appealing to the naked eye?  I have no idea and I'm tired of knocking down my walls to let someone in. In the last few times, yeah I over think things but I have many reasons to be the way I am. I'm broken with so much bull shit promises encompassing my heart. As if I'm shackled to the damn wall and there isn't anything anyone can do. I'm FORGETFUL. Nothing matters if you're not with me. The love of my life, the one I loved the most and who ultimately got away because I wasn't the ideal. I wasn't enough and my heart then sank to the bottom of the ocean... it's caked with sand and will no longer be completely clean. That's how I feel. That's what you took from me... the ability to love again, the ability to find another, the ability to trust again. You took that from me. How can I go on? Without you by myside? ...

I thought about my days before this.  Hackled with happiness between my fingertips. The moments right after became a blur. Yet, I held onto you as long as I could. Your voice, your mind, your lips... Riddled with picture perfect qualities. I remember the way you smiled into my eyes. Beautifully entwined with laughter. Then I became a mess. As you took every inch of me and tore me apart. Your promises became stained lies from your mouth. Every word meant nothing as your actions spoke                LOUDER.                      HARDER.                             LONGER. Every artery in my vein Consumed your venom and I didn't mind The pain that numbed my bones. Breaking me to tiny pieces of fragile glass. And I streamed puddles from My bloodshot eyes. You saw my heart tumble right  In front...

I don't know what it is. A smile creeps on my face, As my eyes stare into his. Feeling a moment of grace. He lights up my being, Making me someone better. No longer fleeing, As I smell his scent on my sweater. Bringing me to a peaceful state, Everything about him, Makes me believe in fate. As he touched every inch of my skin. Leaving not one trace un-kissed, He's my bloodstream. Creating who I am in the midst, More perfect than a dream. He runs through my veins, Releasing me from those heartbreak chains. 

I'm destructing. My mind invades every inch of my being, letting me know that nothing I ever do or ever love is worth anything. I think of myself as less and I fall for its lies... lies that become truth. My heart becomes vulnerable in defeat when everything begins to feel hopeless. His words, his eyes, and his mouth become something that breaks every vessel in my body. Slowly killing me to the depth of uncertainty. This is what my mind takes from me.  I begin to gnaw myself to pieces by every negative word that runs through my brain. It repeats the same hurtful words so I begin to believe it. I do believe it. This is why I'm not worthy for love or to be loved. How can I love, if I can't love myself? The sunset no longer is beauty through these brown lens, it becomes dark and hopeless even when he says he'll think of me as he watches it fall behind the water. My heart sinks into the sand, burying itself in the foundation of its making-- never wanting to be found in th...

I feel it in the pit of my stomach, Right before the fall. You held my heart  And I, ashamed of everything that's going on. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, The rage when you said "Goodbye". It was hard to contain And I, a victim to this crime. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, The venom running through my veins. Like sharp knives poking every inch of my body And finding no way to be free. So yes, I feel it in the pit of my stomach, That you never loved me, Not even one bit. And I'm the one who suffers.  You didn't have it in you, To make this right.

Nothing make sense, you don't make sense, you come and go as you please. I have to conform to this life I was given. Watching you watch her as I pretend to stare at my phone. Hearing you talk to her as I tried to cover my ears. Seeing you touch her as I look to the floor, feeling my heart anchor to the bottom of the ocean. After a few moments, you look into my eyes, and I linger into you. I hold onto you for a second longer so I won't forget what this feels like. To see you, to feel you, and to hear your voice one last time.  She comes up to me and smiles to my face. I must stand there as you take her away and my heart clenches together. It begins to suffocate and I have no control of what I feel or what I want to feel. How can you tell someone to be with you when they love another? I can't. I just can't. I hate that I love you more than the earth needs rain. I hate that I need you more than I need air. I hate that I want you more than I the will to fight for you. I...

To Her: My apologies are never enough to fix the pain I injected into your veins. I remember how much you cried when I said my goodbyes, and how I felt when I saw you fall to your knees. I didn't cry, I didn't ache. I was cold to the touch-- feeling no sympathy. I didn't deserve you, not at all.  You deserved more than what I offered. You are beautiful and kind. I'm a fool to have let my fears get the best of me. I was afraid to love you more than anything else in this world. The way you looked at me was something I wasn't ready for. I was afraid to love you and then lose you right after. That was my biggest fear. I remember how my voice vibrated right before I said "I love you". And the sound of your cries as I left out the door. I didn't deserve your tears. I hope you know that I will continue to love you until the end of my days. But for now I'm weak, pathetic, and an immature man. You deserve someone that respects you, that cries with you...

To Him: I remember that moment a few seconds before you said "I love you." I remember how your voice vibrated with nervousness and how my heart fluttered in my chest. As my mind tried to make up reasons why we shouldn't be together. The mind can fool the heart and the heart can forgive the mind. Yet, nothing else  mattered  except you and I in that special moment.  Do you remember that moment a few seconds before you said "I love you"? I remember how you played with your fingers as you approached the subject. I also remember how I said "I love you". A few minutes after you spoke your mind. Every syllable that escaped my tongue was like a sky of shooting stars. Overall, my heart remembers how you made me feel. Like a bullet to the chest, you left a few months later, stripped me naked, and my heart fell heavy like the moon. You apologized for what you did but that didn't fix the venom you injected through my veins. One droplet at a time made m...

Look into my eyes, What do you see? Is it love? Is it pain? What's the meaning of this? Let me see your brown eyes. Right before you leave. To engrave them into my mind. The way it shines under the light. You are everything and so much more. Look into my eyes, What do you see? Is it hopelessness? Or am I insane? The ocean blue sea, Trashed, dirty, no longer clear. Just like my heart, Anchored in defeat.  Nothing makes sense, It all goes dense. This is too much to bear. The aching pain that burns Through my veins. Lips pale, heart cold. Weak in the knees, As you watch me fall. Look into my eyes again, See what you've done. Forgive and Forget, Is what I should do. Don't get fooled. Even though I did. With a knot in my throat. I said my goodbyes.

My heart, loves like no other. It holds on for a long time. Not seeking for another.  Always ready for the climb. My voice, says those three words. The three you've waited for. Singing through the birds. Always wanting more. My mind, thinks of you. It remembers all the pain. Hoping it wasn't true, Always running through my veins. Nothing else matters, You found me then broke me. Watching as everything shatters. No longer setting me free. Look into my eyes, Say it one more time. Before my love for you dies. Take blame for your crime. And so you won. I know what you've done. 

To Him: I looked into your eyes today and you know what I saw? I saw someone that didn't exist, someone I used to love, and now I'm not sure if what I felt was entirely real. You treated me like I don't exist, every time you passed me by, and all I felt was my heart sink like an anchor. Nothing could crank it up to the surface, even if I tried. Your brown eyes flickering under the sunlight. Your smile illuminating every part of my body and it all felt right. All of it. But now my heart doesn't even flicker when you say my name. When you call me up, I no longer get excited, I just long for that moment when I'd find someone-- someone worth all the love I can spare. Because I mean nothing to you. I never did, all that time I spent with you was meaningless in the most possible way and I hoped for a different result.  Do you remember that moment when all was right? I remember those moments when I smiled every time I thought of you. I remember you telling me how you f...

I left when it all went down. I couldn't bear to hear the sound. All you wanted was that crown.  As my heart got buried into the ground. I remember your voice. The way you said "goodbye". You were the best choice. Yet you didn't mind when I cry. I thought you would come after me. But you just stood there, As I threw away the key. And my heart got smaller by every tear.  I remember your touch. The way you held my hand. You just didn't care for me as much. Always looking for a different brand. Your brown eyes shimmered against the moon. Your smile engraved into my mind.  My heart break born in that one night of June. Trying to burn the love I signed.

There was a moment when there only existed hellos. A moment where love is what I felt It flourished in the spring of April. And you were always there. Just two months before June. Pain didn’t exist, not even heart ache. I remember how you sang hellos When our eyes met in April. Right before that midsummer night of June. You always told me how you’d be there. Right before the painful heart ache. I remember how it felt. No one understands the dreadful heart ache. I fell in love little before April. Do you remember how it felt? Smiling as if no one was there. Bright brown eyes and hopeful hellos. Then it ended that month of June. Yet my eyes remember the color of April. Love and safety was all I felt. Trying to forget the branded heart ache. July then came right after June. And you said your last goodbyes and hellos. Still, my heart will always want you to be there.

Choked up lungs. No notes are sung. I believed every word, And my vision was blurred. Comfort came from the winds. It isn’t seen but fooled by the minds. Those brown eyes, Tracing to those days where he was a child. For a moment all was good, Remembering where he stood. Pink hearts of recollection, Darkens seeking affection. Every breath of fresh air, Flared up and it was more than I could bear. Sun kisses disappear in the night, And my hands stopped to write.     His words had shame.     And I broke out of this game. 

I always wondered what it was like, feeling his breath against my lips and that tenderness quality making me weak in the knees. Or even by the way he looks into my eyes, with so much endearment. I always wondered why my heart sinks heavy like the moon every time I was near him. Why I can't stop thinking about him in the slightest? No one could possibly understand how I feel right now-- the way my fingers tremble against his skin. His lips get closer to me and I feel my heart skip a beat or two, forgetting about everything that could possibly go wrong. Forgetting the fact that I've been broken many times before. I know he's different... he wouldn't hurt me right? His green eyes pierce into mine as he moves his body closer. My lips begin to quiver as he begins to place his hand on my thigh, rubbing it softly. He caresses my lips with his and the nervousness begins to flare up. No holding back now as he holds my hand to his chest, wrapping his arm around my waist and press...

My eyes cold. His body frozen, sitting there in       The natural dim light.  No words spoken.  Body language heighten.  Images of good moments        Vacated into a flame.  My heart aches         In silence, it will stay.  His mistakes, no longer         Mistakes.  Rationalizing.  No more Reasoning.  I slowly gather          what's mine.  Leaving a part of          Me Behind.