Explaining You

Explaining you
To my friends,
My Family,
Is very hard to do.

I try to shine light 
On the person you are.
But, the darkness clouds
Over you.

Your actions buried you.

Explaining you to myself 
Is devastating and 
Unreal. Wanting to fix it.
Yet knowing I can't.

To fix the things 
That happened.
Trying to understand
Your reasons, but I couldn't.

I watched you disappear.

Explaining you
Is overwhelming.
Knowing that I want you,
Knowing that I care for you.

I can't show it,
Because you'd walk away
Again...like you always do.
Failing me...like you always do.

Your eyes weren't the same eyes.

Explaining you
To strangers 
Is hard because I try 
To give you the benefit of the doubt.

Knowing that my eyes
Show the hurt that hasn't
Disappeared, that hasn't
Wavered. Just broken.

Then you silenced your voice.

Explaining you
Came in waves.
Wrapping my head
Around the things I didn't do.

If I had just done things
Differently... Would we
Be together? Would we be
Spending every Valentine,

Birthday, Holidays,
And anniversaries
Together? Would we?
Maybe more in love?

Reality is this...we're not.

Explaining you to myself,
Struck me beyond understanding.
Painting you as a good guy.
Writing me as a bad guy.

That's what made me feel safe.
Vouching for you, 
Rooting for you as you played
The piano, the same notes

That made my heart blossom.
Making me feel lucky
To be in the same orbit
As you.

But you no longer wanted me.

Explaining you to myself
Was something I never
Thought I had to do.
You promised forever.

The word forever 
Lost its meaning every time 
You hung up the phone,
And blamed me for arguing.

When I wasn't trying to.
I was trying to fix 
The situation. I didn't
Want to go to bed sad.

You shut me out.

Explaining you to the world
Was something I tried to avoid.
The words won't come out right,
So I write it down, immortalizing you.

Living permanently within 
These poems and being okay
With the reality I see.
Hoping you're okay.

I didn't want you 
Out of my life.
Just wanted time
To get over these feelings

That are eating me alive.
Your silence belittles me.
Makes me feel like I meant
Nothing.

Yet, my heart still yearns for you.

So, explaining you to myself
Was something I tried to let go.
Falling short, I fell in love with 
A man, who promised forever

But couldn't live up to them.
I fell in love with a man,
Who didn't promise to walk out
But eventually did.

I know I should be over this.
That you shouldn't affect me.
Somehow, I feel your pain
Riddle in my chest.

Captivating me to stay,
Frozen, waiting for you
To wake up from a depression
You fell into.

Remembering the last words
I heard from your mouth.
Closing my eyes to your touch,
Sinking in that feeling, again.

"I'll always love you."
Then why didn't you stay?
"Don't take too long to come home."
Please come home.

"I can't make any promises."
I wished you didn't.
"I don't want you to wait for me."
Spell bound to your face.

"I can't make any promises."
A promise I didn't want to keep.
Waiting for you to hold me.
To come home, to be safe.

So, I close my eyes, nestling my face 
Into your neck, dreaming--waiting.