Writing from the Heart

To Him,  So, what does this mean? What does my heart want? What do I even want? What makes me the person I am today? What makes me appealing to the naked eye?  I have no idea and I'm tired of knocking down my walls to let someone in. In the last few times, yeah I over think things but I have many reasons to be the way I am. I'm broken with so much bull shit promises encompassing my heart. As if I'm shackled to the damn wall and there isn't anything anyone can do. I'm FORGETFUL. Nothing matters if you're not with me. The love of my life, the one I loved the most and who ultimately got away because I wasn't the ideal. I wasn't enough and my heart then sank to the bottom of the ocean... it's caked with sand and will no longer be completely clean. That's how I feel. That's what you took from me... the ability to love again, the ability to find another, the ability to trust again. You took that from me. How can I go on? Without you by myside? ...

I thought about my days before this.  Hackled with happiness between my fingertips. The moments right after became a blur. Yet, I held onto you as long as I could. Your voice, your mind, your lips... Riddled with picture perfect qualities. I remember the way you smiled into my eyes. Beautifully entwined with laughter. Then I became a mess. As you took every inch of me and tore me apart. Your promises became stained lies from your mouth. Every word meant nothing as your actions spoke                LOUDER.                      HARDER.                             LONGER. Every artery in my vein Consumed your venom and I didn't mind The pain that numbed my bones. Breaking me to tiny pieces of fragile glass. And I streamed puddles from My bloodshot eyes. You saw my heart tumble right  In front...

I don't know what it is. A smile creeps on my face, As my eyes stare into his. Feeling a moment of grace. He lights up my being, Making me someone better. No longer fleeing, As I smell his scent on my sweater. Bringing me to a peaceful state, Everything about him, Makes me believe in fate. As he touched every inch of my skin. Leaving not one trace un-kissed, He's my bloodstream. Creating who I am in the midst, More perfect than a dream. He runs through my veins, Releasing me from those heartbreak chains. 

I'm destructing. My mind invades every inch of my being, letting me know that nothing I ever do or ever love is worth anything. I think of myself as less and I fall for its lies... lies that become truth. My heart becomes vulnerable in defeat when everything begins to feel hopeless. His words, his eyes, and his mouth become something that breaks every vessel in my body. Slowly killing me to the depth of uncertainty. This is what my mind takes from me.  I begin to gnaw myself to pieces by every negative word that runs through my brain. It repeats the same hurtful words so I begin to believe it. I do believe it. This is why I'm not worthy for love or to be loved. How can I love, if I can't love myself? The sunset no longer is beauty through these brown lens, it becomes dark and hopeless even when he says he'll think of me as he watches it fall behind the water. My heart sinks into the sand, burying itself in the foundation of its making-- never wanting to be found in th...