Writing from the Heart

I feel it in the pit of my stomach, Right before the fall. You held my heart  And I, ashamed of everything that's going on. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, The rage when you said "Goodbye". It was hard to contain And I, a victim to this crime. I feel it in the pit of my stomach, The venom running through my veins. Like sharp knives poking every inch of my body And finding no way to be free. So yes, I feel it in the pit of my stomach, That you never loved me, Not even one bit. And I'm the one who suffers.  You didn't have it in you, To make this right.

Nothing make sense, you don't make sense, you come and go as you please. I have to conform to this life I was given. Watching you watch her as I pretend to stare at my phone. Hearing you talk to her as I tried to cover my ears. Seeing you touch her as I look to the floor, feeling my heart anchor to the bottom of the ocean. After a few moments, you look into my eyes, and I linger into you. I hold onto you for a second longer so I won't forget what this feels like. To see you, to feel you, and to hear your voice one last time.  She comes up to me and smiles to my face. I must stand there as you take her away and my heart clenches together. It begins to suffocate and I have no control of what I feel or what I want to feel. How can you tell someone to be with you when they love another? I can't. I just can't. I hate that I love you more than the earth needs rain. I hate that I need you more than I need air. I hate that I want you more than I the will to fight for you. I...

To Her: My apologies are never enough to fix the pain I injected into your veins. I remember how much you cried when I said my goodbyes, and how I felt when I saw you fall to your knees. I didn't cry, I didn't ache. I was cold to the touch-- feeling no sympathy. I didn't deserve you, not at all.  You deserved more than what I offered. You are beautiful and kind. I'm a fool to have let my fears get the best of me. I was afraid to love you more than anything else in this world. The way you looked at me was something I wasn't ready for. I was afraid to love you and then lose you right after. That was my biggest fear. I remember how my voice vibrated right before I said "I love you". And the sound of your cries as I left out the door. I didn't deserve your tears. I hope you know that I will continue to love you until the end of my days. But for now I'm weak, pathetic, and an immature man. You deserve someone that respects you, that cries with you...

To Him: I remember that moment a few seconds before you said "I love you." I remember how your voice vibrated with nervousness and how my heart fluttered in my chest. As my mind tried to make up reasons why we shouldn't be together. The mind can fool the heart and the heart can forgive the mind. Yet, nothing else  mattered  except you and I in that special moment.  Do you remember that moment a few seconds before you said "I love you"? I remember how you played with your fingers as you approached the subject. I also remember how I said "I love you". A few minutes after you spoke your mind. Every syllable that escaped my tongue was like a sky of shooting stars. Overall, my heart remembers how you made me feel. Like a bullet to the chest, you left a few months later, stripped me naked, and my heart fell heavy like the moon. You apologized for what you did but that didn't fix the venom you injected through my veins. One droplet at a time made m...

Look into my eyes, What do you see? Is it love? Is it pain? What's the meaning of this? Let me see your brown eyes. Right before you leave. To engrave them into my mind. The way it shines under the light. You are everything and so much more. Look into my eyes, What do you see? Is it hopelessness? Or am I insane? The ocean blue sea, Trashed, dirty, no longer clear. Just like my heart, Anchored in defeat.  Nothing makes sense, It all goes dense. This is too much to bear. The aching pain that burns Through my veins. Lips pale, heart cold. Weak in the knees, As you watch me fall. Look into my eyes again, See what you've done. Forgive and Forget, Is what I should do. Don't get fooled. Even though I did. With a knot in my throat. I said my goodbyes.

My heart, loves like no other. It holds on for a long time. Not seeking for another.  Always ready for the climb. My voice, says those three words. The three you've waited for. Singing through the birds. Always wanting more. My mind, thinks of you. It remembers all the pain. Hoping it wasn't true, Always running through my veins. Nothing else matters, You found me then broke me. Watching as everything shatters. No longer setting me free. Look into my eyes, Say it one more time. Before my love for you dies. Take blame for your crime. And so you won. I know what you've done. 

To Him: I looked into your eyes today and you know what I saw? I saw someone that didn't exist, someone I used to love, and now I'm not sure if what I felt was entirely real. You treated me like I don't exist, every time you passed me by, and all I felt was my heart sink like an anchor. Nothing could crank it up to the surface, even if I tried. Your brown eyes flickering under the sunlight. Your smile illuminating every part of my body and it all felt right. All of it. But now my heart doesn't even flicker when you say my name. When you call me up, I no longer get excited, I just long for that moment when I'd find someone-- someone worth all the love I can spare. Because I mean nothing to you. I never did, all that time I spent with you was meaningless in the most possible way and I hoped for a different result.  Do you remember that moment when all was right? I remember those moments when I smiled every time I thought of you. I remember you telling me how you f...