Encompassed

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To Him, 

 So, what does this mean? What does my heart want? What do I even want? What makes me the person I am today? What makes me appealing to the naked eye? 

 I have no idea and I'm tired of knocking down my walls to let someone in. In the last few times, yeah I over think things but I have many reasons to be the way I am. I'm broken with so much bull shit promises encompassing my heart. As if I'm shackled to the damn wall and there isn't anything anyone can do. I'm FORGETFUL. Nothing matters if you're not with me. The love of my life, the one I loved the most and who ultimately got away because I wasn't the ideal. I wasn't enough and my heart then sank to the bottom of the ocean... it's caked with sand and will no longer be completely clean. That's how I feel. That's what you took from me... the ability to love again, the ability to find another, the ability to trust again. You took that from me. How can I go on? Without you by myside? Without your voice ringing in my ears, and without you holding me tight to his body.

 I wish I could take away all your pain, all the pain you once made me suffer but it doesn't work that way. Nothing does, and I'm broken because of it. It's been years and nothing makes the feeling go away. I think about you everyday, I think about you smile, I think about the way you laughed, and the way you made me feel. I remember your voice, the way you looked into my eyes, and the way my heart broke to a million small pieces. You took that from me. You took away my sanity, the tranquility I once felt and I can't seem to get it back. Nothing I ever did made you happy and how can I compete with someone that gives you everything? Gives you that feeling of fullness in the void of your heart. I won't ever be something important in someone's eyes and I'm the only one to blame. My commitment, my all, my everything, my love, and my trust becomes the foundation of who I am. I allow myself to feel again. I allow myself to sink in the love and the pain. The pain you riddled in my heart, the numbness of the venom.

 I can still smell your scent and it always had calmed me down. But it's not enough to heal the brokenness I feel... it ruptures every inch of my body and I sink like quicksand. Hoping to never rise right back up to encompass the same pain I once felt when you said, "Goodbye". 

 And it was the LAST Time, the last time I saw your eyes sparkle into mine...

 From Her.

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